This past week was an intense one. Just when I thought I’ve had my ego handed back to me for the millionth time already, ayahuasca likes to prove me wrong or in East London we like to say ‘’takin’the piss or what?’’. The theme was how long to stay in the state of trauma and self poison. I know… she’s off the deep end already… Here me out.
Not being able to let go of trauma comes in forms of disassociation, extreme addictions, breaking down all the time, having meltdowns, using trauma as self pity and subconsciously manipulating others with it.
I think there are two types of people, some live for love and the other lives for peace. I’d been through some traumatic childhood experiences which lead me to learn to fend for myself, ‘’every man for himself’’ kind of thing,(the origin story of narcissists and codependents) and I deeply desired to be taken care of, saved by a man so I leaned more towards needing love as security over peace as security.
So this lead me to always justify why I needed help or to stay addicted to vices…”help me because I’m too weak to do it myself because of my overbaring trauma that I cant seem to leave behind’’ or ‘’I’m going to stay addicted to this one thing as a coping mechanism even though its stifling me and all the time I could be using being productive because of my trauma.’’ I behave as if trauma has me in a chokehold. I could just ask for help for the sake of needing it rather than making them pity me in order to receive it. I shouldn’t have to manipulate them in order to get it. Mother ayahuasca and her many teachings…
In the past I had one unconscious habit I feel deeply embarrassed addressing it but here goes… I used to put people on a pedestal with an expectation without them even agreeing to anything. When they did not meet those expectations I would get furious and almost try to rip them apart for not even knowing what I expected of them without telling them. This used to be the way that I processed it in my brain.
This was the first solar eclipse of this year of 2024 and boy was I in for a ‘treat’ of how I had been eclipsing people most of my life subconsciously. The way my unconscious thought processing went was a bit like this…’’my trauma takes priority over yours. I cant hold space for you in your trauma and suffering because I’m suffering in this way…’’ Anyone else who doesn’t know how to navigate this kind of personality disorder there is hope to change this current pattern. If you feel a certain type of way about someone then try to see how are you treating them that way and then thirdly see how am I treating myself in this way. See the reflection being mirrored to you. For example….’’I feel disrespected by person A because they didn’t listen to me. I disrespected person A because I did not listen to them. I disrespected myself because I did not listen to myself therefore ignoring what I wanted for myself’’
I always knew I had a self-centered deep void inside of me but I finally realized why I had that void. After unveiling how I was living getting away with insanely selfish acts I truly felt really ashamed of myself for the first time, because I will probably never get back the many good friends that I lost along the way. So saying all this going on forward I want to be the true me under the narcissism, the split personality bipolarism, the learning disability, the white male priviledge consciousness, the sexual abuse victim, the rules don’t apply to me mindset, the prideful toddler who cant let go, the switch and bait male trickster energy, the karmas of past life colonizer and probably dozens more that are yet to be uncovered….
Now do you see how trauma can turn into poison if a time limit hasn’t been set on it. Will you let days, weeks, months, years or decades pass you by before you decide to release it.
Whatever disorder or trauma you have, face it, assign a time limit on how long you will dwell in that sadness, anger, rage and all stages of grief and then let it go. Let it go or else you will take your friends down with you or lose them. They cant hold space for your suffering forever, its not fair on them to slow down your healing. Don’t wait too long or it will turn into poison like jealousy, envy, greed etc. So I ask you this, what have you been struggling to let go of lately? Is holding onto it making you bitter or sweeter? Choose wisely.
Have a blessed week,
Raksmey.